Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model
by Twisted Ingenue
Summary: BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND! All of your favorite boys are competing to be Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model! Though, it is back...there are no new chapters for those who haven't read it...but...please enjoy...I'll write more!
1. Chapter 1

A.N: I just got really bored and thought this might be a funny idea…I've been getting writers block in my other story. If you've never watched America's Next Top Model, it might not be all that funny…this is just the intro, so it's not supposed to be hilarious…but if anyone thinks this is a good idea…I'll go on and start the competition…next each model will have to pose a common "high school cliché (on second episode of this cycle of ANTM)

**Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model**

EVANNA: Wanna be on top?

Frogs singing constantly in the background: Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

LARTEN (turns to face camera and strokes scar)

HARKAT (takes off mask and winks suggestively)

VANCHA (spits twice and sighs dramatically)

KURDA (brushes back hair and smiles)

VANEZ (takes off shirt and tries to wink…though it looks like he's just blinking his one eye)

SEBA (produces a spider and kisses it)

STEVE (plays with scar on his hand, then looks up wickedly)

GAVNER (applies lipstick and makes a kissy-face towards the camera)

GANNEN (in the process of kissing STEVE and notices it's his turn. He coughs and smiles)

MIKA (looks to the left and licks his lips)

DARREN (waves to camera and says "hi" then LARTEN smacks him and mutters, "No talking! Just pose!")

EVRA (sticks out his tongue and hisses)

DESMUND (a.k.a. Mr. Tiny) (scowls at the camera and throws one of his yellow boots and the camera…breaking the lens.)

**JUDGES**

EVANNA as TYRA BANKS (in a way)

ARRA as TWIGGY (in a way)

PARIS as MISS JAY ALEXANDER (in a way)

PHOTOGRAPHER- MURLOUGH


	2. Chapter 2

EVANNA: 13 Dudes come to this show in hopes of becoming Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model…Who will be eliminated tonight?

Theme song (go to Chapter one if you want to see it again)

(All the dudes are stuck in a small house with three bedrooms four to two rooms, and five to one room. The Mountain Dew Room, The Sprite Room, and The Coke Room. It all opens in the little house)

LARTEN: (Holding room assignments papers) Room Assignments everyone! (All squeal with excitement like girls.) SHUT THE FUCK UP! Now…room assignments (All wait for him) My eyesight has started to fail me…Kurda…read this

KURDA: (takes paper) Okay…The Mountain Dew Room…the five person room. Seba, Vancha, Evra, Darren…

DARREN&EVRA: Yeah! (high five)

KURDA: And…Desmund.

EVRA: (turns white) Whaaa…

DARREN: C'mon!

KURDA: Now, Darren…we must all love each other and…(starts to read paper again)

Crap! I'm so mad I want to start a nuclear war with someone!

LARTEN: So much for the pacifist.

KURDA: The Sprite Room…Mika, Kurda, Vanez, and Harkat.

MIKA&VANEZ&HARKAT: DAMN!

VANEZ: No way I'm going to be stuck with that pansy, Kurda Smahlt.

KURDA: Oh you just are dying to be me.

DARREN: Can we just do the bloody room assignments!

KURDA: Okay, Okay. (looks at sheet and starts laughing) You'll never believe this.

HARKAT: What?

KURDA: The Coke Room has…Gannen, _Steve_…

STEVE: YAY! Kissy kissy Gannen!

GANNEN: Oh hell no! (blushes from delight)

(An awkward silence)

KURDA: Okaaaay…Gannen, _Steve_……(laughs) LARTEN.

STEVE&LARTEN: NO WAY IN HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!

LARTEN: Kill me now…by the love of all things good and evil.

STEVE: YOU TAKE THAT BACK YOU GAY WHORE!

LARTEN: Oh, look who is talking…

GANNEN: Peace Larten and Master Steve.

STEVE: Get me some damn caviar and some alcohol.

KURDA: CAN WE MOVE ON WITH THIS PLEASE?????????? Okay…Gannen,_ Steve_, Larten, and………………………..Gavner.

LARTEN:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! NEVER AGAIN!

GAVNER: Just like old times, buddy.

LARTEN: No way I am sleeping next to him until he gets some "DE-Snore" from Bernie Copell!

DARREN: Calm down Mr. Crepsley…it's going to be alright…

LARTEN: HOW WOULD YOU FEEL BEING IN THE SAME ROOM AS GAVNER

AND TWO EVIL GAY WADS!

GANNEN: I'M NOT A GAY WAD!

STEVE: AND I'M NOT EVIL!

(A poof and Evanna steps in)

ALL: EVANNA! (in little girl voices)

EVANNA: Stuff it sissies…are you ready for your first ever photo-shoot?


	3. Chapter 3

A.N. Sorry if the last chapter wasn't good…I got some help from my little sister and she wanted to get those room assignments done…but now…I think it'll be better…and longer. Sorry if this goes slowly…I'm working on a musical called "Impulse City" and I'm writing "Sensations of a Lost One" so this isn't my highest quality work. If you have any constructive criticisms, I welcome them with open arms.

EVANNA: Well, I'll usually do "Evanna Mail" but I decided I'd rather poof in as an effect…soooo…how do you boys like your room assignments? (Smiles evilly)

LARTEN: (mutters) Cruel beyond reason.

EVANNA: What did you just say…Larten? (lifts up fingernail)

LARTEN: Nothing…nothing at all.

EVANNA: That's what I thought you said. Well…the confessions box is by the pool…any of you may go in there and…confess…just keep in mind…all viewers can see what you'll say. (Larten starts to rush out) NOT NOW LARTEN! (voice become sugary) Okay, little boys…I'm going to take you all to a studio and each of you will be portraying…Common….HIGH SCHOOL clichés!

VANCHA: What is a high school?

KURDA: Sheer Hell.

LARTEN: I despised High School…all the children made fun of me because I could rea…(goes red) Never mind…carry on, Evanna.

EVANNA: Okay…let's go!

(At studio)

EVANNA: Okay, boys…you ready to meet your photographer? 

ALL: (girly voices) YES, EVANNA!

EVANNA: Alright…meet Mr. Murlough! (Murlough steps out)

MURLOUGH: Hi everybody!

DARREN: AHHH!

EVRA: SPARE ME!

LARTEN: Aren't you supposed to be dead?

MURLOUGH: Yes…yes I am supposed to be dead...but I've decided to turn over a new leaf.

EVRA: Wh…what?

MURLOUGH: I started going to "Blood-o-Holics Anonymous" every Monday, and it taught me that I could become…a new person. I even discovered my dream (starts to tear up) being a photographer. I started helping Laura Jo Reagan with her Mr. Winkle calendars…but it never made me…you know…feel _whole_ so I asked Evanna if I could help photograph you lovely young gentlemen here today…and she said yes! (starts sobbing)

EVANNA: (pats him lovingly on the shoulder) There, there Murlough, honey…it's alright.

MURLOUGH: I know… (takes a deep breath and wipes tears away) I know…well…let's get started!

EVANNA: Sounds like a good idea. Okay, girls…as I said before, each of you have been assigned a different high school cliché to portray…now…they're going to be tough…but you handsome young men can do it…right?

ALL BUT DESMUND: RIGHT, EVANNA!

DESMUND: Why am I here? I should be taking candy from children, or watch ships sink or something.

EVANNA: Do you want to leave?

DESMUND: Yes.

EVANNA: Well………….TOO BAD!

MURLOUGH: Here, Evanna, I made the assignments.

EVANNA: Thank you sweetie…you mind getting me a latte?

MURLOUGH: No problem! (exits)

EVANNA: Okay (clears throat) First up…Evra…you're being the class transvestite.

EVRA: No effing way!

EVANNA: _Yes_ effing way…now go back to get your makeup and hair done.

EVRA: Fine. (exits)

EVANNA: Next…Seba…you're the class bully,

SEBA: ALRIGHT! (exits)

EVANNA: Harkat…you're the class heartthrob.

HARKAT: You know…it…_baby_! (exits)

EVANNA: Vanez…you're the class mean girl.

VANEZ: C'mon…can't I be the jock?

EVANNA: Well…maybe….ummm…..NO! GET YOUR FAT ASS IN THAT DRESSING ROOM! (Vanez exits) (Evanna clears throat again) Okay…Steve…you're the teachers pet.

STEVE: I'M THE WHAT????? I AM NOT A KISS ASS!

GANNEN: Well, literally… (coughs) carry on Evanna.

EVANNA: Okay…thanks for scarring me for life, Gannen. LEAVE NOW, STEVE! (Steve exits) Next…Mika…you're the class clown.

MIKA: (sighs) Somehow, I feel this will be a stretch (exits)

EVANNA: Gavner…you're the class tomboy.

DARREN: (snickers) Wow Evanna…you gave him a hard one. (Gavner scowls and exits)

EVANNA: Don't get so cocky, little one…you're next. Darren…you're going to be the class whore.

DARREN: (goes white) Huh? Class **Whore**?

LARTEN: You can do it, Darren…we all know you can. (Darren exits)

EVANNA: Okay…Kurda…you're the class Emo?

KURDA: A what?

EVANNA: Class Goth, now if your blonde-brain can handle it…go to the dressing room (Kurda sulks out) Now Desmund…you are the peace-loving, vegetarian…Class Hippie.

DESMUND: Peace…happiness…cooperation…it burns! Please no…I beg of you!

EVANNA: No ifs or buts…get into the dressing room (Desmund storms off) then…there were three…Larten…you're our class bookworm.

LARTEN: Uh…but of course…_damn it!_ (exits sheepishly)

EVANNA: Now…Gannen and Vancha…we decided you two should be in a photo shoot together…

VANCHA: Okay…

GANNEN: No problem.

EVANNA: As…the class's cutest couple!

GANNEN: You can't be serious! I'm take…I mean he's my brother!

VANCHA: And a male.

GANNEN: An ugly male at that…

VANCHA: Wanna run that by me again…Ham-Burglar?

GANNEN: The what?

VANCHA: You know that purple guy on the Happy Meals at McDonalds? The Ham-Burglar?

GANNEN: Umm…no…I never order the Happy Meals…I find the McSalads more to my taste…

EVANNA: WOULD YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET INTO THE DRESSING ROOMS???????!!!!!!!

VANCHA&GANNEN: Yes Mam! (They make a rapid retreat)

(The dressing rooms…with Kurda and Mr. Tall as his stylist)

MR. TALL: Come now, Kurda…it'll come right out…I think.

KURDA: NO WAY IN HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DYE MY HAIR BLACK!

MR. TALL: Kurda…you're the Class Goth…you have to.

KURDA: I won't do it (pouts and crosses his arms) it's my pretty hair…mine!

MR. TALL: Kurda…

KURDA: No.

MR. TALL: Yes.

KURDA: No.

MR. TALL: Yes.

KURDA: No.

MR. TALL: _**YES! DON'T MAKE ME GET THE WOLF-MAN IN HERE!**_

KURDA: Fine…as long as it's not permanent.

MR. TALL: (squirts on black dye) now, just wait here for 10 minutes.

(Photo shoots)

MURLOUGH: C'mon Mika baby! Just give the camera a goofy smile.

MIKA: I have nothing to smile about…it's a waste of time and muscle strength.

MURLOUGH: Now, Mika…it takes more muscles to frown than to smile.

MIKA: Really?

MURLOUGH: Of course! I know you can do this! (Mika smiles a awkwardly) Well... (Murlough takes the photo) you tried your best…Harkat…you're next, sweetheart!

HARKAT: (stands in front of camera) I'm ready to be the class heartthrob…sweet cheeks! (he poses nicely with a pair of swim boxers on)

MURLOUGH: I'm feeling this, honey (snaps more pictures) Great job, Harkat…that'll be all (Harkat walks off) Darren…you're next, sugar pie.

DARREN: Why do I have to wear fishnets! I haven't even shaved with my Venus razor!

LARTEN: (shouts) Keep your shirt on, Darren…literally.

DARREN: For your information…it's a tube top.

MURLOUGH: C'mon Darren, cupcake…we don't have all day.

DARREN: I don't feel inspired.

MURLOUGH: (sighs and turns to Larten) you haven't given this boy the _talk_ yet, Larten?

LARTEN: Umm (turns red and starts to choke) I…was…getting to it.

MURLOUGH: (takes a deep breath) Remember what those Anger Management classes taught you, young Murlough. (slaps on a smile and stops talking to himself) Okay, Darren…pretend you're…

SEBA: One of those girls in Mika's Playboy magazines!!!

MIKA: Hey! That was our little secret

SEBA: C'mon…I had to give the boy something to work off of.

MURLOUGH: You can do it, pumpkin…I know you can…think…you're one of Mika's Playboy models. (Something kicks to life in Darren and he poses like as if the soul of Anna Nicole Smith had come alive in him) Darren! Phenomenal! (snaps more pictures) GREAT! Keep it coming, honey…now give us a dirty look and a kissy-face (Darren obliges) Stay still (snaps camera) AWESOME! You're good to go, angel-pie.

DARREN: I feel…so…ALIVE.

MURLOUGH: Yes…okay…now…last but not least…the gorgeous Vancha and Gannen!

GANNEN: (whispers to Vancha) Who said _you_ got to be the girl?

VANCHA: (smugly) Evanna…she likes me better.

GANNEN: (pouts) But I wanted to be the girl! No fair!

VANCHA: Suck it up, loser.

MURLOUGH: (clears throat) Boys? Are you ready? (Gannen and Vancha step up) Now…I want you, Gannen, sweetie, to put your arms around Vancha's waist. Vancha, cutie, you put your arms around Gannen's neck. (both do it, wincing) That's great! Now…do me a big favor and lock lips…

VANCHA: NO WAY! THAT'S WRONG ON SOOOO MANY LEVELS!

GANNEN: HE'S MY BROTHER…

VANCHA: HE'S A DUDE!

STEVE: HE'S TAKEN!

MURLOUGH: C'mon, sweethearts…Evanna's orders. It won't be too hard…I promise. (Gannen and Vancha grudgingly lock lips) That's it…(snaps picture)

STEVE: GANNEN! How could you?! (starts to cry) It's not fair! Where's the damn confessions box?!

MURLOUGH: (stops taking photos) We'll get you there right after tonight's elimination…okay baby.

STEVE: (sniffs) Fine…

MURLOUGH: (turns back to camera) Great job, Gannen and Vancha! You're free to go! (They go off the platform to join the others) I had a great time photographing you sweethearts! And just to let you know…no matter who becomes Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model…you'll all be my Top Models! (gets emotional)

(Evanna poofs out of nowhere)

EVANNA: I'll let you all go back to the house and polish up…then…it's elimination time! (All cringe in fear)

(At the house)

VANEZ: (banging at the door) Kurda! Get out of the bathroom now!

KURDA: (tearfully, on other side of door) USE THE COKE ROOM'S BATHROOM FOR THE LOVE OF THE VAMPIRE GODS! (Mika comes up)

MIKA: (to Vanez) What's all the yelling about?

VANEZ: Kurda won't get his butt out of the bathroom, and I've got to put my mascara on!

MIKA: (knocks on door) Kurda? What the bloody hell is going on in there (sound of water running) Kurda? Kurda? Answer me NOW!

DESMUND: Is that despair I hear?

VANEZ: Get lost, shorty. (Darren comes up)

DARREN: What's going on here? Are we fighting on the first night!

MIKA: Blondie won't get the hell out of the bathroom.

DARREN: (knocks softly on door) Kurda, are you alright?

KURDA: NO!

DARREN: What's wrong then?

KURDA: (a cry is heard) I can't get the fucking dye out! It's all over…my life has ended! My hair…oh my precious hair.

DARREN: Kurda? What do you mean?(all men in the house come outside the Sprite Room's bathroom to hear what's going on)

KURDA: The dye…Mr. Tall put in…won't come out…my golden hair is…is…oh it's too horrible, Darren. (starts to sob)

GAVNER: (snorts) Drama Queen…

KURDA: OH, DARREN!

STEVE: (to Darren) Has the pretty-boy got a zit or something?

DARREN: I don't know (shouts again) Kurda?! It can't be that bad!

KURDA: OH YES IT IS! MY HAIR IS BLACK!

HARKAT: Oh, Lord.

LARTEN: KURDA! Pull yourself together…it'll come out in a few weeks…besides…black is the new blonde I've heard.

KURDA: (sniffs dramatically) Really?

STEVE: No…

ALL BUT DESMUND: STEVE!!!!!!!!!!

DESMUND: Good work, son…make him feel worse.

KURDA: WAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

SEBA: Make him stop…please.

VANCHA (walks up and bangs his head up against the door, crushing it in pieces) KURDA! (grabs Kurda who is in a towel, by the hair and throws him on his own bed.) Now…Vanez... (gestures at bathroom) Bathroom's all yours.

(The Judging room)

EVANNA (standing solemnly in front of the 13 men) Thirteen dudes stand before me…but I only have twelve pictures in my hand…one of you, tonight…will find out he'll never be Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model. Our Judges are, Miss. Arra Sails…

ARRA: Greetings (winks at Larten and he blushes)

EVANNA: Mr. Paris Skyle…

PARIS: Yo!

EVANNA: And your friendly photographer…Mr. Murlough!

MURLOUGH: Hello, sugar-lumps!

EVANNA: I will hold up a photo and call a name…whoever's name I do not call…must pack their bags…and go home. The first name I will call is…Darren. Your picture is by far, the best. Murlough said it was hard for you at first…but then you broke out of your shell. Darren, you're one step closer in becoming Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model.

DARREN: (tearfully) Thank you…(walks to stand on the steps)

EVANNA: Harkat… you're one step closer in becoming Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model. (Harkat walks over to join Darren) Seba… you're one step closer in becoming Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model. Gannen…Evra…Larten…Kurda…Gavner…Desmund

DESMUND: Damn! (joins others)

EVANNA: Vanez… you're one step closer in becoming Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model. (Vanez goes to join the others) There are three remaining…the name I'll call next is…..Mika. Mika, we were all unimpressed by your photo-shoot…I know it was out of your comfort zone…but to be Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model…you have to go out of your comfort zone.

MIKA: Thank you, Evanna. (goes to join others)

EVANNA: Will the two remaining men please step forward? (Vancha and Steve step up)

You two stand before me for two different reasons. Vancha…rugged and confident…but couldn't stop himself from wincing and vomiting on his modeling partner. Steve…sexy and a rebel…the ladies love him…but he couldn't make himself be a kiss ass…couldn't look sweet for one camera shot. A model has to look pleasant Steve…and charm people who aren't charmed by rudeness. (Steve scowls) So…who goes home?

(A dead silence)

EVANNA:……………._Steve_. (Steve gasps and Vancha's eyes well up with tears) You still have a chance to become Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model

LARTEN: DAMN IT!!!!!

STEVE: (sticks tongue out at crying Vancha) Ha…ha!

(Vancha starts sobbing and runs out of the judging room…but we finally got a personal interview from him.)

VANCHA: It stinks being the first one…eliminated…but…I'll go on…I guess I didn't have what it takes to be Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model…at least I don't have to be stuck in a room with Mr. Tiny.

Well…that's the end of that episode…sucked didn't it…tune in next time…if you want to.


	4. Chapter 4

SOME RANDOM VOICE: Previously on Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model…Room assignments were made…some of the dudes weren't very happy. (sobs of Larten heard in background) Then…the dudes had to portray in a photo…common High School clichés. While some excelled (shows Darren posing) others struggled (shows Vancha and Gannen…and Vancha puking) Vancha had trouble being gay with his brother in the photo shoot…so he was the first of thirteen…to…be…sent…_home_.

EVANNA: Twelve girls…I mean guys remain…Who…will be eliminated tonight?

(Theme song…if you must see it again…go to Chapter one, "Theme Song")

(In confessions box)

DARREN: This is experience has been really sweet…I have a feeling _I'm_ going to be Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model! I was the first called…I'm rocking this place! Oh…and who I want eliminated next…Desmund Tiny…he was speaking in Pig Latin in his sleep! Evra said he was saying some very nasty words…Evra was a Pig Latin major at Yale.

SEBA: Uhh…do I have to say something?

RANDOM VOICE: Yes…just letting you know…you don't have the right to remain silent because anything you say can…and probably will be used against you…for Reality TV's sake.

SEBA: I had fun being a bully yesterday…and who I want to be eliminated next….Desmund…please…have you heard about his foreign sleep talking?

LARTEN: (sobbing like a little girl) I can not take this anymore! I could not sleep because Gavner was snoring like a freight engine…and even if he was not snoring…(starts to cringe) The vampaneze and the evil gay-wad…

STEVE: (a faint echo) I'm not evil!

LARTEN: (sighs) That will soon become very irritating…like now…(clears throat) as I was saying…Gannen and _**THE NOT EVIL**_ gay-wad were making…(gags) very strange sounds in their beds…they…(winces) decided to share…UGH!!!!!! I HATE THIS MORE THAN SLASH FAN-FICTIONS!!!! (then starts crying again) I even caught Steve trying to replace my Barbie toothpaste with superglue…I WANT A ROOM TRANSFER!!!!!!! Oh (wipes off tears) and who I want to be eliminated next…definitely, Steve.

STEVE: Finally! Creepy Crepsley is out of the box! My turn now…okay…Normally I would've been crying over the incident between Vancha and Gannen (tears form in his eyes) But…that's over now…Vancha got eliminated…and Gannen made it up to me with some pity sex…of course the Homo-Phobic, Larten was probably whining about it…ugh…I hate him soooooo much…I tried replacing his girly toothpaste with superglue…but the old bat caught me.

RANDOM VOICE: Anything you want to say about almost being eliminated?

STEVE: Ummm…I knew I…wasn't…going to be eliminated when I was next to that ugly git…I mean…c'mon…I'm the sexiest person in this damn competition! Oh…and who I want to be eliminated next…definitely Larten.

HARKAT: Ha! I beat Kurda sissy-pants to the confessions box! (gathers himself) I knew I was better than Darren…though I got called second…then I thought last night…this competition is a rip-off! I mean it's called Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model…and the first person to be called…happens to have the name DARREN SHAN! Crazy huh? But…I'm still on fire in this competition…I'm the sexiest person in this damn competition!

RANDOM VOICE: Déjà vu! Well…Harkat…most people have been whining about their roommates…do you have any complaints?

HARKAT: (snorts) Hell yeah! Blondie…I or should I say…_Blackie_…has been driving us all up the wall…he keeps on going on about "his precious hair" I was about to throttle him last night…but Vanez stopped me and got a better idea.

RANDOM VOICE: Which was?

HARKAT: The old feather and whipped cream trick! As soon as he went to bed…Mika, Vanez, and I put whipped cream in his hand and tickled his nose with a feather…well…he wiped his nose with the non-whipped cream hand first…but then Mika tried again and we got it all over him…but now Kurda's crying about "his precious hair" being ruined and "his precious face" being sticky…I'm enjoying Mika and Vanez…but the sooner Kurda is eliminated…the better.

KURDA: (sobbing uncontrollably…tears streaming down his face) WAAAH!!!!!!!!! MY PRETTY HAIR WILL NEVER BE GOLDEN AGAIN!!! And…and…Vanez…Mika…and…Harkat were really really REALLY mean to me and my pretty face…it's…it's… (cries more) just too…_HORRIBLE_!!!

RANDOM VOICE: Kurda…you need to speak rationally, honey…Mr. Tall said the dye would fade after two weeks at the maximum!

KURDA: (in a squeaky voice that is usually heard before a sobbing fit) THAT'S…FOREVER…WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE MY LIFE…I HATE IT…HATE IT…_HATE IT_!!!!!!!

RANDOM VOICE: (mutters) I need a drink… (sweetie-sweet voice returns) Kurda, baby…any thoughts on who you want eliminated next?

KURDA: Well…(sniffs) Mika is mean to me…Vanez is mean to me…Harkat is mean to me…Steve is mean to me…and Desmund is mean to me…

RANDOM VOICE: Desmund is mean to everyone, Kurda.

KURDA: SO? (pouts) No one is mean to _me_…NOBODY! (rubs chin) Who Kurda wants eliminated…I say Vanez…he was the one with the whipped cream idea. (tears start coming again) That got my pwetty face all sticky…WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(All in living room of house)

STEVE: EVANNA-MAIL, SUCKERS!!!!!!!

ALL: YAY!!!!!!!!

HARKAT: What does it say?

STEVE: (reads note) Make sure to do a good _job_ on your photo shoots, boys! Love, Evanna.

GANNEN: That's it?

STEVE: Yep…that's it all right.

VANEZ: What are we going to have to do? (leans in as if waiting for something) I said…(when nothing happens) WHAT ARE WE GOING TO HAVE TO DO? (a silence) EVANNA? WHERE ARE YOU? (Evanna appears with a poof)

EVANNA: Sorry, Vanez…Paris was getting a little frisky and… (awkward silence) Umm…yeah…sorry. Your assignment today is…to…portray…different…kinds of…

DARREN: C'mon already!

EVANNA: JOBS!

ALL: (unenthusiastically) Umm…yay?

EVANNA: (mutters) I knew this was a shitty idea…Murlough. (regular tone) Okay…hop into the car and…Kurda, darling…what are you wearing on your head?

KURDA: A turban.

EVANNA: May I ask…Why…you are wearing a turban?

HARKAT: For the love of all things bright and beautiful…PLEASE don't start him up again.

KURDA: MY HAIR!!!!!!!! IT'S BLACK…WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! MOMMY…

EVANNA: Umm…never mind…let's just get going…okay boys?

(in studio)

EVANNA: Now…put your hands together for everyone's favorite photographer…MURLOUGH!

MURLOUGH: Hello my little bon-bons! Are you ready to see what you all are going to do!

DARREN: (raises hand) Mr. Murlough?

MURLOUGH: Yes, lemon drop?

DARREN: Can I be a whore again?

MURLOUGH: I don't know, baby…this time it was all random.

EVANNA: Now…are you all ready…and no comments FROM ANY OF YOU…OR EACH OF YOU WILL HAVE A PRETTY SCAR LIKE LARTEN? Am I clear, boys?

ALL: Yes, Evanna.

EVANNA: Alright…Murlough, can you be a dear and read out the list?

MURLOUGH: Sure thing, chica. Okay…Larten…you're the college professor. Darren…oh…it looks like you're going to be trashy after all! You're a cheap convenience store clerk…and a trashy female one at that!

DARREN: Yes!

EVANNA: Shut it, hooker.

MURLOUGH: Now that's not very nice, Evanna…we are all special in our own special way.

STEVE: Who are you, Mr. Rogers? Keep it moving!

MURLOUGH: (smiles) Okay…Gannen…you're the therapist. And Steve, baby…this one is gonna be great! You're the dictator!

STEVE: SWEETNESS!

MURLOUGH: Okay…Seba…you're a spider exterminator. (Seba goes pale) Harkat…you're our sexy lifeguard. Vanez…wow…you're in the athletic career…

VANEZ: WHOOPEE!

MURLOUGH: As a ballet dancer.

VANEZ: Not…Whoopee!

MURLOUGH: Mika, darlin'…you're a stuffy bank manager.

MIKA: I already knew that but what am I going to be in the…

MURLOUGH: Ahem…

MIKA: Oh…(blushes) umm…yeah…sorry…my bad.

MURLOUGH: Evra…you're our janitor. Desmund…you're our priest.

DESMUND: NO FAIR (Evanna kicks him on the knee) OUCH!

EVANNA: Next time I'll aim higher…mark my words.

MURLOUGH: (coughs) Okay…Gavner…you're our female receptionist…and Kurda, honey…you're our starving…artist (Kurda starts bawling)…oh, Kurda…don't cry…well…okay baby…let it out...umm…are you…(Larten pours his mineral water over Kurda's head) Now, now, Larten…there was no need for that.

LARTEN: THESE EFFING PEOPLE ARE DRIVING ME UP THE EFFING WALL…I HATE HATE HATE HATE **HATE** EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!!!!! (Arra steps out)

ARRA: Larten? You okay, sweetheart?

LARTEN: Umm…it's…it's…WAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!! (throws himself on Arra's shoulder)

ARRA: (pats him on the head) There, there…it's going to be alright, baby…c'mon…be my big, brave boy…(Larten is still wailing) Hey…if you stop crying…I'll get you a nice, big ice lolly.

LARTEN: Can it be…(sniffs) Grape?

ARRA: (in a voice usually reserved for talking to a cute animal) It can be any flavor you want!

EVANNA: I NEED ALCOHOL!!!!!!!!!!

(Photo shoots)

MURLOUGH: Good, good, Evra. (snaps photo) Now tip the hat…that's the ticket…now make sure the mop doesn't cover that gorgeous face…GREAT! (snaps another picture) Okay, Evra…you're good to go. Steve, baby you're next.

STEVE: I need the lights switched to the "malicious" setting! (lights turn red) Thanks.

MURLOUGH: Wow…Steve…(snaps picture) This is…taking my breath away…oh…let me see the wicked smile…Look up…OH BABY! PERFECTO! (snaps repeatedly) WOW! You should really consider being a bloodthirsty Lord sometimes…wow…(snaps more) You're _**edgy**_! Okay…done with you, baby…SEBA!

SEBA: I…I can't do it! (tears well up in his eyes)

MURLOUGH: It's just a plastic spider, sugar-pie…c'mon…aim you're poison…look…I know you can do this (Seba raises his "weapon" reluctantly) Yes…that's good (snaps picture) Okay… (to self) Now, now, young Murlough…we can edit out the tears. (out of crazy talk) Okay…you're…good…I guess. Umm…Kurda, baby…come on out (Kurda comes out looking like a beatnik…including a beret.)

KURDA: I feel…so…so…_starved_.

MURLOUGH: Use that energy for the photo shoot! Remember…you're a starving artist…use that bad hair-day as your motivation…okay, put the paintbrush on the canvas…look up…HOLY FUCK…THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR! (snaps picture) Oh, Kurda…Oh…tears of angst…WONDERFUL (snaps more pictures) OH, KURDA…THIS IS GREAT!

KURDA: (sniffs) You really think so?

MURLOUGH: Of course, baby. (snaps one more) Okay…he was the last one…good luck tonight, babies…you all did great!

(in judging room…Arra, Paris, Murlough, and Evanna)

EVANNA: First photo…Larten.

PARIS: Very poised…

MURLOUGH: Very strict…

ARRA: Very sexy…umm…like a college professor should be.

EVANNA: Okay…Darren.

PARIS: He blew me away…once again…that boy has a future as a prostitute.

ARRA: But is he…modeling material?

EVANNA: Models…prostitutes…what's the diff?

MURLOUGH: Darren is one of my favorites…he's enthusiastic, nice…and a great sex-toy for a reasonable price.

EVANNA: Gannen…

PARIS: He's very aristocratic…no doubt about it…

MURLOUGH: But something seems…dead in his eyes.

ARRA: (sniffs) Something seems _red_ in his eyes…move on.

EVANNA: Steve…

PARIS: WOW! I can't believe we almost eliminated him!

ARRA: I like him…so edgy…a model needs that…wow…he's so sexy and evil all at the same time (starts to feel faint)

EVANNA: Don't get your hopes up, sweetie…I think he bats for the other team

MURLOUGH: cough Gannen cough

EVANNA: Seba…

PARIS: HORRENDOUS!

ARRA: A crying exterminator? Lame-O!

MURLOUGH: Well…his posture is good.

PARIS&ARRA: Yeah…it is.

EVANNA: Harkat…

ARRA: Wins my heart every time…

PARIS: A little on the small side…but…when he's got his shirt off…he is smokin'!

MURLOUGH: Agreed! He's so smooth and confident as well…and that's important in a model.

EVANNA: Vanez…(a silence)

ARRA: A ballerina…(everyone bursts out in laughter)

PARIS: THIS IS A CLASSIC! I'M KEEPING IT! (stuffs picture in his pants)

MURLOUGH: I couldn't get him to look at the camera, though…that's why it's all blurry.

EVANNA: Mika…

PARIS: Woah…so stern

ARRA: So professional…

MURLOUGH: So boring…

PARIS: Wait…we are talking about Mika in this picture, right?

ARRA: No…just Mika in general.

EVANNA: Evra…

PARIS: Are you sure he's cold-blooded?

ARRA: Because this snake-boy is…

PARIS&ARRA: HOTT!

MURLOUGH: Even as a janitor.

EVANNA: Desmund…

MURLOUGH: I'm starting to see a sensitive side to him…I mean…He looks so peaceful in this photo…like a priest (Evanna starts coughing nervously) You didn't give him laughing gas again, did you, Evanna?

EVANNA: Just a little…I promise…it's just…

PARIS&ARRA: Forget it.

EVANNA: Gavner…

PARIS: So delicate…

MURLOUGH: So feminine…

ARRA: So homo! C'mon! He gives himself manicures and pedicures.

PARIS: And he shaves his legs with Satin shaving cream (shudders)

MURLOUGH: And in his room, I saw a pack of junior tamp…

PARIS: (jams fingers in ears) STOP! SPARE ME!

EVANNA: Last but not least…Kurda…

PARIS: He looks so sad…but so…

ARRA: Artsy…

EVANNA: Well…are you sure he's acting? The Random Voice told me he wouldn't stop sobbing irrationally in the confessions box.

ARRA: Screw that…he looks adorable…and like a starving artist…

EVANNA: So……………………who goes home?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Judging room…full of people)

EVANNA: (standing solemnly in front of the 12 men) Twelve dudes stand before me…but I only have eleven pictures in my hand…one of you, tonight…will find out he'll never be Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model. Our Judges are, Miss. Arra Sails…

ARRA: Greetings (winks at Larten and he blushes)

EVANNA: Mr. Paris Skyle…

PARIS: Yo!

EVANNA: And your friendly photographer…Mr. Murlough!

MURLOUGH: Hello, sugar-lumps!

EVANNA: I will hold up a photo and call a name…whoever's name I do not call…must pack their bags…and go home. The first name I will call is…Kurda…

KURDA: (sobs) What?

EVANNA: Kurda…everyone said you were phenomenal…even though are going through this crisis…you were still able to pull off the best photo shoot of all the boys. Congratulations…you're one step closer to becoming Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model. (Kurda walks over to steps) Next name I will call is…Steve…

STEVE: Duh…

EVANNA: Steve…you were making some of our judges swoon…you're edgy, sexy, and unique. Congratulations…you're one step closer to becoming Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model. (Steve walks over by Kurda) Then next name I will call is…Harkat… you're one step closer to becoming Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model. (Harkat walks over to join Steve and Kurda) Darren…Mika…Evra…Larten…Desmund…Gavner. (they all walk over individually as their names are called) The next name I will call is…Gannen…Gannen…though you're photo was _good_…it just wasn't great…and the judges just don't see life in your eyes…they look empty…though your body is poised and stylish…the eyes…are just dead, Gannen. You're one step closer to becoming Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model.

GANNEN: Thank you, Evanna…I'll practice in front of the mirror…I promise (walks off to join the others)

EVANNA: Will the remaining two please step forward? (Seba and Vanez walk up) Seba…we were all very unimpressed by your performance today…I know you love spiders…but it was a plastic one, Seba…plastic…and we thought you were behaving like an imbecile…you could've sucked it up…but you didn't…a model needs to suck things up, Seba. Same for you, Vanez…you wouldn't face the camera…because you wouldn't suck it up. Remember last week when Larten had to be the class bookworm? Everyone knows he can't read (Larten coughs) but…did he cry? Did he say he couldn't do it?

VANEZ: Well…backstage…

EVANNA: SILENCE! But he didn't complain at the photo shoot, did he? So…who goes home? (Evanna turns over the picture) Vanez…You're one step closer to becoming Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model. The judges know you have a feminine side…and that all you have to do is bring it out, Vanez…we believe in you.

EVANNA: (hugs Seba) You did your best, baby…I'm sorry…

SEBA: It's okay…I hated being in Mr. Tiny's room anyways…(then breaks down crying) I'll move…I'll move on! (he hugs everyone on his way out)

(Private interview) SEBA: Getting the news was pretty hard…but…I will survive…Gloria Gaynor told me so…I guess I just was never meant to be…Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model!


	5. Chapter 5

SOME RANDOM VOICE: Previously on Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model…Stress is piling up on our favorite boys. Kurda had a meltdown about his hair (groans) he wouldn't stop crying GOD DAMN IT! (coughs) Sorry…umm…where was I? Oh, the boys were asked to portray different careers…while others rocked the photo shoot (shows forlorn Kurda painting) others ruined the photo shoot (Shows Seba crying and trying to aim for the spider) The judges were unimpressed by Seba…for he could not stop blubbering like a baby! I mean it was plastic for God sakes! Well Seba, was the second out of the original thirteen …to be sent…………………….._home_.

EVANNA: Eleven wimps…I mean guys remain…Who…will be eliminated tonight?

(Theme song…if you must see it again…go to Chapter one, "Theme Song")

(In house)

STEVE: I REFUSE TO HAVE A NUDE PICTURE OF NICOLE RICHIE IN THIS ROOM!

LARTEN: IT'S OVER MY BED AND THAT MAKES IT **MY** WALL! I CAN PUT WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT ON IT! JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE HOMOSEXUAL IT DOES NOT MEAN OTHER PEOPLE ARE NOT STRAIGHT TOO!!!!!

STEVE: YOU TAKE THAT BACK, SCAR-FACE!

LARTEN: EVIL NERD!

STEVE: LOUSY HAIR!

LARTEN: PREMATURE GRAYING!

STEVE: (gasps) HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT. (starts to cry) The chicks…and dudes… think it's sexy… (Gannen walks in)

GANNEN: Larten…why are you making Steve cry?

STEVE: (wipes away tears) I'm not crying…he's just a meanie!

LARTEN: He's complaining about my poster.

GANNEN: Now Steve…it can't be that (notices poster) HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS, IS THAT NICOLE RICHIE NAKED???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LARTEN: DON'T YOU TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE, PURPLE MAN!

GANNEN: Okay…that was pretty lame…Purple Man?

LARTEN: PURPLE PERSON! (Gavner walks in)

GAVNER: Purple PEOPLE actually…(starts singing) It was a one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater…one-eyed, one-horned, flyin' purple people eater…one-eyed one-----

GANNEN: WILL YOU PLEASE?

GAVNER: Sorry.

EVRA: (in the distance) EVANNA-MAIL!

LARTEN,GANNEN, AND STEVE: We will settle this later! (they run out with the others to get the Evanna-Mail)

EVRA: (reading note) Hey boys! One of you got cut last night, but more than one of you will be getting cut today?

MIKA: What's that supposed to mean? (Evanna poofs in)

ALL: EVANNA!

EVANNA: Today is not a normal photo shoot day…today…each and every one of you…………………will………………be……………..getting…………………………………………………………………………..MAKEOVERS!

ALL: YAY!!!!!!!!!!

EVANNA: Well…let's go!

(Makeover room)

EVANNA: All the judges decided last night that you'll could use a makeover…and we decided what you all are going to get…..so….Larten, baby…the judges and I all agreed that you'd look better with that pathetic thing totally sheared off!

LARTEN: WHAT?!

EVANNA: Come on…shaved heads are the latest in fashion…go now, hon'. So…Gannen…we want to give an American patriotic look…so that hair is going to be dyed….blue…and we're givin' you a Mohawk! All the judges think you'll look edgier! Go now. Next…Darren…the judges want to give you a trim…and a PERM! Curly will be GREAT for you! Desmund…we thought kind of a Fonzie from "Happy Days" hairstyle will look good on you.

DESMUND: Why does everything you assign me HAVE to do with happiness? (groans and walks off)

EVANNA: Harkat…we think a beach boy afro is JUST what you need! K baby? Okay…Gavner…you know who Jennifer Anniston is?

GAVNER: Duh…she has the best hair, like, ever!

EVANNA: Well…we thought we'd give you hair……….just……….like…….JEN'S!

GAVNER: YAY!

EVANNA: Steve, baby…they graying just….ages you……and we LOVE your edge…but…………..we think we should dye it……………pitch black!

STEVE: Whatever makes my fans happy (strikes a pose while everyone groans)

EVANNA: Okay…Kurda…after much debate…we decided to dye your hair…..

KURDA: FUCK THAT! YOU ARE NEVER LAYING A FINGER ON MY HAIR.

EVANNA: Back to its original shade…sheesh…and a trim.

KURDA: Prince Charming Gold 67?

EVANNA: Yes, baby…

KURDA: I'M GOING TO BE BLONDE AGAIN! YAY!!!!!!!

EVANNA: Yes…and you prove to all of us that blondes aren't total dumbshit…(mutters) you're only 99 percent dumbshit.

EVANNA: Okay…Evra…dreadlocks all the way, honey. Mika…I know we returned Kurda to a blondie…but frankly, Mika…you're just no fun…and there is a saying that blondes are more fun…so we'll give it a go!

MIKA: ME A _**BLONDE**_?

EVANNA: (sarcastically) Yes…you look more fun already…get the hell out of here. And last…but not least…Vanez…mullet for you.

VANEZ: HAVE MERCY, EVANNA!

EVANNA: SHUT UP THIS INSTANT!

(Boys are made over and standing in a line)

EVANNA: Okay…most of you look great…so…here's your favorite photographer…MURLOUGH!

MURLOUGH: GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE…THE WORLD SAYS HELLO!

EVANNA: Murlough…it's four in the afternoon.

MURLOUGH: Sorry.

EVANNA: Now…your photo shoots today are simple…with your new hairdos…pose in front of the camera and embrace your look.

HARKAT: Are we doing this because the authoress is running out of ideas?

EVANNA: Why would you think that?

HARKAT: Well…we pose in front of the camera with our new hairdos and just pose? Come on…that's EASY!

EVANNA: EASY! Oh…………………………………………Murlough?

MURLOUGH: Yes?

EVANNA: Have I forgotten a teensy weensy detail?

MURLOUGH: The fact that they're going to be…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………NUDE!!!!!!!

LARTEN: NO WAY!

MIKA: LORD, HELP US!

EVRA: PLEASE NO!

DARREN: **OH BOY!**

EVANNA: Now…get ready…it won't take long…all you'll have to do is…strip! (Cackles evilly)

(In judging room…photo shoots were cut out…or this would be for Mature audiences only.)

MURLOUGH: I love these boys dearly but…….I'm scarred for life!

ARRA: (looking at Larten's picture) Huh? What?

EVANNA: Okay…(snatches picture from Arra) Larten…

PARIS: Love the bald…

MURLOUGH: So upright…

ARRA: So…sexy

EVANNA: Can't say anything else…can she? Harkat…

PARIS: He's a little one…

ARRA: But it doesn't take much Super Spicy Hot sauce…

PARIS&ARRA: To make it…steamy!

MURLOUGH: He's got such a cute nose too (All look at him wordlessly)

EVANNA: Kurda…

PARIS: Look at him…he looks so happy…to be nude……or to be blonde again.

ARRA: Almost…too happy…

MURLOUGH: Someday my prince will come…oops…there he is…IT'S KURDA!

EVANNA: Vanez…

PARIS: A MULLET!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARRA: Don't tell me that's Vanez…I only see his hands over his face…couldn't he hide more than his face…I'm gonna be sick!

MURLOUGH: He's a bad one alright.

EVANNA: Steve…

ARRA: OMFG…HE'S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FIERCE! I LOVE HIS HUGE…(Paris puts hand over her mouth then lets it go slowly) I mean…I love his huge…hair…the black makes him irresistible.

PARIS: Please say she's talking about the hair on his head…

MURLOUGH: This is REALLY pervertish.

EVANNA: Gavner…

PARIS: If it wasn't for his (cough) I'd swear that was Jennifer Anniston…

ARRA: Ditto.

MURLOUGH: He does, doesn't he?

EVANNA: Gannen…

ARRA: UGH! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH HIS HAIR, EVANNA?

PARISH: UGH! And he's giving us the "dead fish" eyes again…yuck

MURLOUGH: Agreed…

EVANNA: Mika…

ARRA: You know what? Mika looks a little more fun.

PARIS: Compared to what? A tour of my cat's litter box?

MURLOUGH: I didn't know you had a kitty, Paris? Does it have cute whiskers and little fluffy paws?

EVANNA: OFF TOPIC!!!!!!! Darren…oh wow.

MURLOUGH: SIGN ME UP! HE'S OFFICALLIY MY BI-YACH!

PARIS: Yes…and with curly hair…he resembles Frodo Baggins…

ARRA: Frodo Baggins of the HOOKERS!

EVANNA: Evra…

PARIS: Dreadlocks…a little…on the rough side…

MURLOUGH: C'mon…he's got SCALES a little roughness never hurt.

ARRA: I bet he's got smooth moves too!

EVANNA: Darren's not the only one who's a W-H-O-R-E! Desmund…

PARIS: These Happy Days are yours and mine…

ALL: HAPPY DAYS!

EVANNA: Enough said…so……………who goes home?

(Later in the judging room)

Eleven dudes stand before me…but I may only have ten pictures in my hand. Our Judges are, Miss. Arra Sails…

ARRA: Greetings (winks at Larten and he blushes)

EVANNA: Mr. Paris Skyle…

PARIS: Yo!

EVANNA: And your friendly photographer…Mr. Murlough!

MURLOUGH: Hello, sugar-lumps!

EVANNA: I will hold up a photo and call a name…whoever's name I do not call…must pack their bags…and go home. The first name I will call is…………………………………………………………………………..Harkat. (Harkay steps up) Harkat…you've been chosen because…we love your new afro…we love your personality…and we all love you…the judges think you are sexy…and your photo shoot…ROCKED! Congratulations, you're one step closer in becoming Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model. (Harkat walks over) The next name I will call is……………………………………………..Darren. Darren…the judges love you…your perm looks great…keep it up, baby cake! Darren, you're one step closer in becoming Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model. The next name I will call is…Evra……….Larten……….Steve………….Kurda……….Gavner……….Desmund. The next name I will call is…………………………………………………………………………………………………..Mika. Mika, darling….you're handsome…you're sexy…..but face it….you're boring…maybe the blonde juice hasn't kicked in yet…so we gave you the benefit of the doubt…but…if we yawn at your next picture…you're going home, mister.

MIKA: Yes, Evanna, (walks over to join others)

EVANNA: Will the two remaining men please step forward? (Gannen and Vanez walk forward) Gannen…you did the dead eye thing again…models are living people…who need to almost pop out of the picture…but I see nothing, Gannen. And, Vanez…at the bottom two again…not sucking it up…once again…you may pretend to have confidence…but…

VANEZ: I ADMIT IT (sobbing) I'M INSECURE!

EVANNA: SILENCE! Models MUST have confidence, Vanez…so who goes home? The next name I will call is……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….No one! (Evanna flips over picture…it is blank…so is the other side)

ALL: WHAT?

VANEZ: WHAT?

GANNEN: WHAT?

STEVE: NO GANNEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S NOT FAIR!

EVANNA: Au revoir!

(Personal interview with Gannen and Vanez) VANEZ: I couldn't believe it…both of us…gone…I'm really going to miss my roommates……………..but not KURDA!

GANNEN: I guess I'm a free man now…no Steve…you know…how bout I try bein' straight for a while.

BOTH: I guess we were never meant to be Darren Shan Saga's Next……..Top…………………Model!


	6. Chapter 6

SOME RANDOM VOICE: Previously on Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model…tensions rose between two certain people (Shows Larten and Steve yelling at each other) And the boys all got makeovers! While some makeovers looked totally sexy (shows Gavner flaunting Jennifer Anniston hair) While others looked horrid (shows Gannen's Mohawk) The boys had to pose nude…some did well…but others sucked on ice. Then…a Top Model first…Gannen _and_ Vanez together…were…… sent…………………….._home_.

EVANNA: Nine cry babies…I mean guys remain…Who…will be eliminated tonight?

(Theme song…if you must see it again…go to Chapter one, "Theme Song")

(In house, late at night in the Coke room (Steve, Larten, and Gavner's room)

STEVE: (whispers) I wonder if Creepy Crepsley is any good…(creeps over to Larten's bed and jumps on him)

LARTEN: GAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! (Steve puts his hand over Larten's mouth)

STEVE: Shhh! Just going to kiss you, okay? Chill out…you know you like me…that's why you called me evil…you didn't mean it, baby...(Larten pushes Steve's hand off his mouth)

LARTEN: (hisses) I most certainly did mean it…you are an evil little…(Steve grabs Lartens face and starts Frenching him) Hey…you are not bad! (they start snogging again as Gavner walks up)

GAVNER: Larten…I know it's late…but can I borrow some bath beads…I really need……………………………..HOLY SHIT…WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Confessions Box)

RANDOM VOICE: Gavner? Why are you crying?

GAVNER: Too…(sniffs)…horrible.

RANDOM VOICE: What is it, cookie-bear?

GAVNER: Larten……Steve……snogging……horrible! (vomits)

RANDOM VOICE: Umm…baby…it was all bad dreams…go back to bed.

GAVNER: (sniffs) Okay…yuck…still….no….bath…….beads.

(Later…about 3 minutes…Confessions box still)

STEVE: Contrary to popular belief…I am not looking for a rebound from Gannen!

RANDOM VOICE: Umm…okay…so what's your problem anyways?

STEVE: I don't really like Creepy Crepsley…I just needed…someone to snog and to do it with…now what about Darren…

RANDOM VOICE: You'll need reservations for him…Murlough is asking for him every night these days.

STEVE: You know…I'm not in the mood for a boy anyways…what about you?

RANDOM VOICE: Umm…I'm just a disembodied voice echoing in your heads…heard on almost every lousy reality T.V show…believe me…I have no…

STEVE: Okay, okay…I get it…so…any suggestions…wait………what about Arra?

RANDOM VOICE: Paris…

STEVE: Ugh…everyone loves the oldies……….Evanna?

RANDOM VOICE: Vancha and Gannen…

STEVE: Traitor…………..Damn! Are there any females here at all?!

RANDOM VOICE: Steve……….have you taken your "Pimpin' Prevention" pills recently?

STEVE: Maybe……………….NOT! MUHAHAHA! Now………..back to raving………….there are no effing chicks in this place……….

RANDOM: Well…….nah….never mind.

STEVE: What?

RANDOM VOICE: There is one chick…

STEVE: WHO? TELL ME!

RANDOM VOICE: The authoress…………….but…she's pretty maniac, Steve.

STEVE: Look…I'm settling for anyone now…bring her in!

RANDOM VOICE: Suit yourself! (a snap is heard and MrsKurda14 comes whizzing down and lands in the confessions box…wearing pajamas with "Superflies" on them and a Jimmy Hendricks shirt.)

MRSKURDA14: What the hell…one moment I was tormenting you guys in my fan fiction writing and now……………..Steve? What the shit…

STEVE: Well…definitely female.

MRSKURDA14: I swear I'll eliminate you next if you don't get me out of your Godforsaken world!

RANDOM VOICE: Steve…you're playing with fire…

MRSKURDA14: I'll make you go to third base with Harkat if you don't get me out of here!

STEVE: So…you're the authoress…

MRSKURDA14: (sighs) Anything you want? If it's a room transfer…NO! MUHAHAHA!

STEVE: (starts crying) I WANT SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MRSKURDA14: Have you taken your pills lately, Steve?

STEVE: I NEED NO PILLS…AS LONG AS I HAVE YOU…

MRSKURDA14: Ummm…notice anything about my name, Stevie Wonder?

STEVE: It's MrsKurda14…and…………………………you like the _**pretty boy**_?

MRSKURDA14: You're pretty too…in your own special way…ACK! I'm sounding like Murlough…Random Voice…please let me out of here…I want some of my Mom's key lime pie…

STEVE: C'mon…Kurda won't care...look…I don't really care about you…it's just the s…

MRSKURDA14: SOMEONE SEDATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RANDOM VOICE: Way ahead of you! (injects Steve somehow)

STEVE: Me sleepy…. (falls to the floor)

MRSKURDA14: Sorry, readers…I just am getting a message across for any of you who are like Steve here…abstinence…is the key to a successful life…now…let's get on with the show…well…now that the grey hair's gone…maybe…hmmmmm (picks up limp head and kisses him) BLAH! Too bloody!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(In house)

DARREN: Evanna-mail!

ALL but Steve since he is not present: YAY!

DARREN: Today you will learn that we all are in the Animalia Kingdom.

LARTEN: I wonder what she means by that? (leans forward then Evanna poofs out)

ALL but Steve since he is not present: EVANNA!

EVANNA: God…I'm really getting sick of this…you know what? I think double eliminations until there are five left is a great idea.

MIKA: What?

EVANNA: Look…we think all of you aren't trying hard enough and the authoress is getting sick of thinking up so many jokes. Cool with you all?

ALL but Steve since he is not present: sighs Cool…

EVANNA: You're next assignment will be…where's Mr. Sunshine?

KURDA: Right here mam'! And it's not the sun…it's my hair!

EVANNA: No…I mean Steve…where is he? (Gavner lets out a cry and a retching sound is heard)

HARKAT: DUDE! You got up-chuck all over my sexy new Sperrys!

RANDOM VOICE: He's unconscious in the confessions box.

EVRA: Woah woah WOAH! How did you get here?

RANDOM VOICE: You're forgetting one thing, mate?

EVRA: What?

RANDOM VOICE: I'm Captain Jack Sparrow! (theme music comes on)

EVANNA: (shouting) STEVE! GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP THIS INSTANT! HOLY SHIT HE'S BEEN DRUGGED!

STEVE: (slowly gaining consciousness) Heh…heh…super flies…

EVANNA: What?

STEVE: Jimmy Hendricks…no…no…Jimmy Hendricks…a…an…ugly…t-shirt…didn't go with her hair…she left me…for another…

EVANNA: Okay…now you're just talking crazy…

STEVE: NO!!!!!! THE AUTHORESS LEFT ME FOR ANOTHER…

EVANNA: Man?

STEVE: SHE LEFT ME FOR…KEY LIME PIE!

MIKA: Well key lime pie is pretty scrumptious…

HARKAT: Yeah…I'd date it WAY before I'd date you.

ALL: Ditto

STEVE: Evanna…will you have sex with me?

EVANNA: **I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING TIME FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET TO THE COMPETITION NOW! YOU ALL ARE GOING TO BE PORTRAYING DIFFERENT ANIMALS…OKAY?**

**------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

MURLOUGH: Hello my little princesses filled with sugar plums and sweet cream!

DARREN: His greetings get more revolting every day.

MURLOUGH: (ignoring Darren) Evanna…bless her heart…needs a few shots and a trip to Hooters so…I'll be in charge today…so the animal list (digs around for it) Here! Lets see…

**THE LIST SAYS:**

LARTEN-OSTRICH

HARKAT-ANCHOVIE

KURDA: PEACOCK

STEVE: BUNNY RABBIT

GAVNER: LEOPARD

MIKA: GARDEN SNAIL

DARREN: WOLF

EVRA: CHAMELEON

DESMUND: BUTTERFLY

HARKAT: ANCHOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Those kinds of things really hurt here (touches heart)

GAVNER: NO FAIR! I WANNA BE THE BUNNY!

STEVE: I WANNA BE THE LEOPARD! (Both look at each other then Gavner backs away)

GAVNER: I WON'T DO ANYTHING WITH YOU STEVE!

STEVE: Well…if I'm gonna be the bunny…I'm gonna be the play-boy bunny!

(PHOTOSHOOTS)

MURLOUGH: (while Darren is walking off) Wow…umm…that was the most whorish wolf I've ever seen (mouths to Darren "call me") Next…Steve…Ayeyiiyii…umm…that's not the right bunny outfit, baby.

STEVE: (smacks his own rear end) SEXY!

MURLOUGH: (snaps picture then shudders) When Darren does it…it's kind of cute…but when you do it…it's kind of…really…massively…creepy.

STEVE: Oh…yeah…

MURLOUGH: PHOTOSHOOTS OVER! Please report to the judging room…later.

_To be continued…._

_A.N. Hey readers…if you didn't know…I've been in Japan for ten days and I haven't been updating…sorry…well…honestly…I need help…I can't choose who two to cut off next…please vote by a review or an e-mail…you can vote as many times as you like…but I'm not writing another word of this until I get at least fifteen reviews and/or e-mails with votes…sorry…I just need help!_

_Love ya readers!_


	7. Chapter 7

_A.N. WOW READERS!!!!!!!! I didn't get a lot of reviews…but I got e-mails…eleven of them…thanks, fans! I know I asked for fifteen reviews and/or e-mails…but I feel nice and I'm going to do this…okay…deep breath…lets go!_

(In judging room)

EVANNA: (singing slowly with slurred speech) "Hi…ho…hi ho…izts off ta'…work…HIC…we…g…go (tries to whistle but a blowing sound comes out) hi…ho…hi ho…hiiiii….hooooooooooo…HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII……………HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

ALL JUDGES: (claps very slowly) Ummm…yay?

MURLOUGH: (Pokes Evanna) Baby muffins…are you alright?

PARIS: Dude! She's totally smashed! (all look at him) Erm……………..I think she might be a wee bit…intoxicated.

ARRA: Ya' think? (starts shouting) EVANNA!!!!!!!!! WAKE UP NOW! WE NEED TO JUDGE THE PHOTOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN! YOU SICK, TWISTED, ROPE-WEARING, WHORISH FROG PIMP THAT NEEDS TO GO TO…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….…Heeeeeeeeyy…Evanna…you're up!

EVANNA: Ugh…wait……….where did my Hooter's chicken wings go?

MURLOUGH: (to Paris) I thought Hooter's was for looking and sex…not getting drunk.

ARRA: You can get drunk anywhere these days, baby.

PARIS: Except for McDonalds…

ARRA: True…(a mobile phone rings to the polyphonic tune of "Winnie the Pooh")

MURLOUGH: Oh…that's me (looks at phone) DARREN!!!!!!!! (picks up phone) Hello, sugar dumpling! Uh-huh…yeah……hah! Okay…..alright….what? Oh, dear….really? Okay…I'll get help…promise! See you, sweet cream sundae! (shuts cell phone and puts it back into his Prada bag) Sorry guys!

PARIS: What's wrong?

MURLOUGH: Darren says he's being abducted by rabid fan girls.

PARIS: Oh no!

MURLOUGH: Yes…isn't it awful? I talked to one…that went by the name, **Antanique013**…she said she'd bring him back before judging time. (shudders)

ARRA: So he'll still be available tonight…right?

EVANNA: Hic! Honey…take Steve…he's been begging for sex…even with the authoress…

ALL: YUCK!

ARRA: She's crazy!

PARIS: She's evil!

EVANNA: Such a sick sense of humor!

MURLOUGH: I think she's pretty…

EVANNA: You think Michael Jackson's pretty, Murlough.

MICHAEL JACKSON: Someone say my name?

ALL: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!!

PARIS: MOLEST DARREN…NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!

MICHAEL JACKSON: A kid boy…hmm?…I like the sound of that.

ARRA: Hey…how about he take…Steve?

MICHAEL JACKSON: Is that a kid I can sexually molest? Oh boy! I can't wait to have that whole legal process go on and for me to get out of it even though it was obvious I did it!

ARRA: Steve's not exactly a kid…but he loves sex……….and he loves gender confused African-Americans who bleach themselves and have enough plastic on their face alone to make several thousand Barbie Dolls.

MICHAEL JACKSON: When do I meet Steve?

PARIS: Hey, Mike (shudders) How about you stay tonight and judge…you can meet Steve and play with him after if he's not eliminated…is that okay Evanna?

EVANNA: Fine by me…DAMN! MAKE THE ROOM STOP SPINNING AND MAKE SANTA CLAUS STOP TAP DANCING! (she passes out)

MICHAEL: Sure…I'll stay…man…I getting the _**Thrillers**_! (crickets chirp) You didn't get it?

MURLOUGH: I'll take this from here! (holds out picture) Larten…

ARRA: I have to say…he makes a good ostrich…really.

PARIS: Tall…long legs…quite an attractive model.

MICHAEL: That bald hair is freakalicious!

MURLOUGH: Harkat…anchovy…he was so typecast!

ARRA: Awww…he looks so cute…

PARIS: Awww….he looks so salty…

MICHAEL: Hey! His nose looks like mine!

MURLOUGH: It does………………Kurda

PARIS: Now that's a pretty model…

ARRA: A tad bit annoying, though.

MICHAEL: You know…he looks a lot like Reese Witherspoon…I mean…a male version.

ALL: You know what….

MURLOUGH: Oh…here's Steve, Michael….the bunny rabbit…

ARRA: A Playboy bunny…

PARIS: A Playboy bunny…

MICHAEL: TOTALLY MY TYPE! GAY AND WHORISH!!!!!!!

MURLOUGH: I'm sneaking this boy his Pimpin' Prevention pills…he was trying to pay me 70 dollars today…

ARRA: He offered me 132…ha ha! Loves me more!

MURLOUGH: Okaay….Gavner…

MICHAEL: He looks like a gay guy forced to show his masculinity…as a leopard.

ARRA: Gavner…..how gay can this boy get?

PARIS: Too gay for the modeling agency (MrsKurda14 can be heard yelling at Paris about gay rights) Okay…okay…he's…too fat…(MrsKurda14 can be heard yelling at Paris about thyroid problems and weight discrimination) OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!! HE DOESN'T ADD ENOUGH TO THE STORY ANYMORE! (a silence) Ahem…..thank you.

MURLOUGH: Okaaaaaaaaaay……..Mika….another one typecast…

MICHAEL: Yuck…just look at him…he looks conservative, straight…homo-phobic…and…..

ALL: BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT BORING!

MURLOUGH: Darren….ahh…the ever popular man-whore, Darren…a wolf…a sexy wolf (screams of Darren can be heard while **Antanique013** says "YOU'RE MINE DARREN SHAN! YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE!)

ARRA: Darren…PERFECTO!

MICHAEL: He's a cute one…ahh…how I like to see whorish behavior in young children…it does my heart good.

PARIS: (sucking thumb) Michael Jackson scares Paris! MUMMY!!!!!!!!

MURLOUGH: Evra…..who was…

ALL: TYPECAST!

MURLOUGH: At least it wasn't a snake…just a chameleon……Desmond

ARRA: He's soooooooooo cute in his little butterfly suit!

PARIS: HEY HEY HEY! NO RHYMING!

MICHAEL: HEY HEY HEY! IT'S FAAAAAAAAAAAT ALBERT!

MURLOUGH: Okay…that was random…(Evanna wakes up from her drunken sleep)

EVANNA: Soooooooooo……who goes home?

(Later, in the judging room)

EVANNA (standing solemnly in front of the…8(?) men) Nine dudes stand before me…but I only have seven pictures in my hand…two…not one of you, tonight…will find out they'll never be Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model. Our Judges are, Miss. Arra Sails…

ARRA: Greetings (winks at Larten and he blushes)

EVANNA: Mr. Paris Skyle…

PARIS: Yo!

EVANNA: And your friendly photographer…Mr. Murlough!

MURLOUGH: Hello Baby dolls!

EVANNA: I will hold up a photo and call a name…whoever's name I do not call…must pack their bags…and go home. The first name I will call is… (Darren runs in)

DARREN: WAIT! (panting) Sorry…I'm…late…rabid…fan girls…ugh…

EVANNA: XYZ, Darren!

MURLOUGH: Button your shirt, angelic cupcake…

ARRA: There are a few lip stick smudges on your face, baby…

DARREN: OKAY! (**X**amines his (**Y**our) **Z**ipper…that's what XYZ stands for…then he buttons his shirt and wipes his face vigorously) Okay…done…continue…

EVANNA: The first name I will call is…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..DARREN…AGAIN!

DARREN: Huh?

EVANNA: Darren…everyone loves you…everyone is fighting over you…you're a jewel…your picture rocks…and…oh damn it…you're just good!

DARREN: Okay!

EVANNA: Next name I will call is………..Larten…congratulations…you're one step closer towards becoming Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model…….Next name I will call is…………Evra……….Harkat……….Desmund……..Kurda. (All walk out to stand with the others.) Will the three remaining boys step forward? (Mika, Gavner, and Steve step forward) Three of you stand before me…but I only have one picture in my hands……Mika….you're here…close to the bottom…once again…because……..SCREW THIS! YOU'RE JUST BORING!

MIKA: I….I…I………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (hysterical tears) IT'S JUST TOO HARD, SOMETIMES…DO YOU UNDERSTAND? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH YOU CAN'T KNOW………

ARRA: Ummmm…..PMS?

MIKA: OMFG….DON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT OKAY, ARRA?

EVANNA: Umm…….Mika…….you just told the whole judging room and millions of viewers your secret to your bitchiness.

MIKA: SHIT!

EVANNA: Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay…….Gavner….you're here because….well…..honestly…….you're just really gay and the modeling agency has a homo-phobia because we are very snobby…ha ha!

GAVNER: (sniffs) Yes…Evanna…

EVANNA: And Steve…..you're here…to learn a lesson about not taking your medicine…….we've found you a sex partner!

STEVE: SWEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Male or female?

EVANNA: Well…a little bit of both……

STEVE: Huh?

ARRA: (whispers) Tell him after the elimination.

EVANNA: Ahem………so the next name I will call is……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….STEVE!

GAVNER&MIKA: Awww…….

STEVE: So…who is it?

EVANNA: MICHAEL!!!!!!!! COME OUT, PLEASE! (Michael Jackson steps out)

STEVE: Oh……………………….my………………………..god…………………………..HELP ME……………………………………EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Runs out as Michael Jackson chases him)

EVANNA: That aughta' teach him…….until next time, folks!

(Interview with Gavner and Mika)

MIKA: (sniff) I'll really miss my roommates…especially little Harkat………but I sure as hell won't miss……………………………………._**KURDA**_! (he spits to shame the name of Smahlt)

GAVNER: HAHA! Larten's stuck in a room alone with Steve…oh…(vomits) But not tonight…….Steve _and_ Michael Jackson (vomits then shudders)

BOTH: I guess we were never meant to be America's Next……………I mean…….Darren Shan Saga's Next…Top…………..MODEL!

_A.N. Hey…I need votes again…by Reviews or e-mail……….this time I'm only asking for six……..so bring it on……….please………..thank you! Hey….Antanique013…just had to use you, honey! Love ya'll and enjoy your feeble lives!_


	8. Chapter 8

SOME RANDOM VOICE: Previously on Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model…The talk of the house was that Steve wouldn't take his medicine. He pressured everyone for sex…for some…he succeeded (shows Steve and Larten making out) But for some…he failed (shows MrsKurda14 getting Random Voice to sedate Steve) Evanna decided for the models to portray different animals…but for one catch…two would be eliminated that night. Steve, Gavner, and Mika were at the bottom…and Steve's name was called…but that doesn't mean he didn't get what he deserved (shows Michael Jackson chasing Steve) But Mika and Gavner were the eighth and ninth out of the original 13…to be sent…………………….._home_.

EVANNA: Seven losers…I mean guys remain…Who…two…will be eliminated tonight?

(Theme song…if you must see it again…go to Chapter one, "Theme Song")

(In confessions box)

STEVE: (sucking thumb) No more MOMMY!!!!! NO MORE!

RANDOM VOICE: (slyly) No more what?

STEVE: YOU KNOW VERY WELL!!!!!!!! Whew…at least Michael is gone…forever…I promise I'll take my medicine I promise…PLEASE!!!!!!!!

RANDOM VOICE: Okay…that's recorded…you're free to go Steve.

STEVE: OH NO, YOU DON'T…

(A few seconds later)

LARTEN: Last night would have been the worst night in my life…

RANDOM VOICE: Huh? Didn't you have to listen to Michael and Steve?

LARTEN: I said…it would have been the worst night of my life…but I decided to go…in a different room…well (smirks) I'll just let you hear the gossip…

RANDOM VOICE: Oh brother!

(All of the sudden, the scene changes into a musical…with Larten in one room being surrounded by Evra, Darren, Desmund, Murlough, and Arra…and Kurda in one room being surrounded by Steve, Harkat, Random Voice, Paris, and Evanna)

LARTEN:  
Sprite Room loving…had me a blast

KURDA:  
Sprite Room loving…happened so fast

LARTEN:  
I saw a blonde…crazy for me

KURDA:  
Saw a bald…cute as can be

BOTH:  
In the days…we hate (fast) Each other's guts (normal tune) but … oh oh the sprite room nights…

PEEPS SURROUNDING LARTEN:  
Well-a well-a well-a huh  
Tell me more, tell me more

DARREN:  
Did you get very far?

PEEPS SURROUNDING KURDA:  
Tell me more, tell me more

STEVE:  
Like does he have a car?

LARTEN:  
Steve and Michael…gave me the creeps

KURDA:

Came in my room…maybe to sleep…

LARTEN:

He was sexy, so I kissed him…

KURDA:  
And I asked him, "You wanna swim?"

BOTH:  
At the sun, our sex life's done…(spoken) Wait…we're vampires…oh screw it…(singing again) but oh oh those sprite room nights…

PEEPS SURROUNDING KURDA:  
Tell me more, tell me more

HARKAT:

Was I puking all night?

PEEPS SURROUNDING LARTEN:  
Tell me more, tell me more

EVRA:  
Did she…HE…put up a fight?

LARTEN:  
Went to a strip club…we had it made…

KURDA:  
We went strolling, drank lemonade

LARTEN:  
We made out under the beds…

KURDA:  
DON'T YOU BELIEVE…A WORD THAT HE SAYS!

BOTH:  
Daytime fling, don't mean a thing, but oh oh the sprite room nights

PEEPS SURROUNDING LARTEN:  
Tell me more, tell me more

ARRA:  
But you don't have to brag

PEEPS SURROUNDING KURDA:  
Tell me more, tell me more

PARIS:  
Cause he sounds like a drag

ALL: TELL ME MORE, TELL ME MORE…

EVANNA: (yelled…not sung) FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET JESUS…_**PLEASE**_ DO NOT…TELL…ME…_**MORE!!!!!!!!**_

ALL: (coughing uncomfortably) Yes, Evanna.

(The next day in the house)

KURDA: (sung) Say…you love me,

LARTEN: (sung) You know…I do…

LARTEN&KURDA: Love me…that's all I ask of you…(they kiss passionately for a long musical interlude) ANYWHERE…YOU GO LET ME…GO…TOO…Love me…that's all…I…ask…of…y…

DESMUND: EVANNA MAIL, INFERIOR BEINGS!

ALL: YAY!

DESMUND: (reading paper) Make sure to get your _act_ together…man…this is painfully obvious…

EVRA: And the foreshadowing used by spoofs of musicals…

DARREN: Such a smart authoress… (While he says this, he stuffs a hundred bill in his pants pocket)

KURDA: I don't know what it is…I wonder if Evanna knows (silence) I said…I wonder if _Evanna_ knows (more silence) I SAID…I WONDER IF _**EVANNA**_ KNOWS!! GIVE ME AN **E!**

ALL: **E! **(Evanna poofs in)

KURDA: God where were you?

EVANNA: Where were…you…last night, Kurda? (Kurda pulls at the collar of his tunic nervously) Well…today…we aren't doing photo shoots…

ALL: YAY!

EVANNA: WE'VE……………………………………………………..PUT……………………YOU………………….IN………………………………………A……………………………...PLAY! YOU'VE ALL BEEN CAST ALREADY…SO GET YOUR GAY ASSES OVER TO THE STUDIO!

(Studio)

EVANNA: (bored tone) And guess who will be video taping your play… (Murlough jumps out and skips to the front)

MURLOUGH: OH ISN'T TODAY…WONDERFUL?!

DESMUND: No…

MURLOUGH: Awww….somebody needs a nap (pinches Desmund's cheek)

DESMUND: Help…

EVANNA: Whoever we think acts the best…will be the first called and not be eliminated…so…tonight…is the last night we eliminate two…

LARTEN: Whew…

EVANNA: Murlough, honey…you have the cast list?

MURLOUGH: Sure do…

_**The Cast list is as followed**_

_**RANDOM POINTLESS PLAY**_

_**Fernando (Romantic Male Lead...poor boy) – Kurda**_

_**Princess Faye (Romantic Female Lead)-Larten**_

_**King Barnabus (Faye's father and idiot) – Evra**_

_**Lord Evilus (The bad guy) – Desmund**_

_**Joshua Grim (Bad guy's evil assistant) – Steve**_

_**Cedric (Faye's other love interest…a prince)-Darren**_

_**Freckles (Fernando's Trusty steed) - Harkat**_

DESMUND: FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ACTUALLY GET TO BE………………………………………..EVIL………YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

STEVE: I AM NOT EVIL!

HARKAT: I AM NOT ANYONE'S _STEED_!

LARTEN&KURDA: No complaints (all look at them) Ummm…yeah…EEEEEW! NOT _HIM_!

_A.N. Hey…I need to be going to bed now…but I really wanted to post something up…so sorry for no ending…I promise…I may even put the whole play in next time…to make up for so much lost time…like last time I made a really long meeting in the Judging room…hey…nice ideas out there people…sorry my other story is going so slowly though. I'm writing a book and this writing makes me feel better…so…I don't have much time for SOLO…I'll work it out…promise._


	9. Chapter 9

MURLOUGH: Ready boys?

ALL: READY, MURLOUGH!

MURLOUGH: And…a 1….a 2…..and…………a…………….3…………….LIGHTS…CAMERA…CUT OUT THE SNOGGING (Kurda and Larten break apart) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND………ACTION!

LARTEN: (in pink princess dress, a wig, talking in a high, girly voice) Oh…father (sighs dramatically) Please…don't make me marry…Prince Cedric…

EVRA: (dressed as fat king…saying all lines quietly and flatly) Faye…dear Faye…do not fret…you are my only daughter…you must marry Prince Cedric…

LARTEN: (starts crying) Oh, father! This can't be true! Oh, father…it isn't fair…it isn't fair!

EVRA: Ummm…what's the line again…oh yeah…sorry…Do you want the kingdom of Random to be at the mercy of…….(sinister music plays) Lord Evilus!

LARTEN: (quails) EEK! Never, father…never!

EVRA: Then you must marry Prince Cedric! (Larten faints and scene changes Kurda bailing hay)

KURDA: (using a very bad English accent) Oh…me a poor farm boy…Faye…a princess…engaged to the (reads a slip of paper) the…dashingly…handsome…Prince Cedric

MURLOUGH: (from a far off distance) What? That wasn't…oh…never mind…

KURDA: (sighs dramatically) I am forlorn! (Larten enters and embraces Kurda tightly)

LARTEN: OH FERNANDO MY LOVE! How I've missed you…

KURDA: It has only been a day, love. (kisses Larten on the cheek)

LARTEN: (giggles at the kiss the turns dramatic) A…day…that seems (sighs) Like…_eternity_! (Harkat enters in a horse costume)

HARKAT: Umm…nay? (Larten and Kurda start making out) Umm…could I get some…nay…sugar cubes or something…um…...holy fuck……….THEY'RE EATING EACH OTHER AGAIN! Nay…I'm gettin' outta here!

EVANNA: (from a distance) OH NO YOU DON'T! GET YOUR HORSE ASS BACK ON THAT STAGE!

HARKAT: Piss…off…nay…

EVANNA: (from a distance but getting closer) Why you little…

KURDA: (trying to drown Evanna and Harkat out) My, love…maybe…if I went on a quest…I would be worthy in your father's eyes.

LARTEN: (squeals) FERNANDO! What if you get hurt?

KURDA: I'll do anything (dramatically) For you…..(goes into song from "Oliver") I'd do…anything…for you…dear…ANYTHING…for you…mean…EVERYTHING…To me…I know that…I'd…go…anywhere…for your…smile…EVERYWHERE…for your…smile…ANYWHERE…I see…

LARTEN: Would you climb a hill?

KURDA: Anything…

LARTEN: Wear a daff…

EVANNA: STOP STALLING WITH A MUSICAL NUMBER! (Harkat walks back onstage with a broken leg in a cast)

HARKAT: Nay, OUCH!

KURDA: (gathers himself) About this quest…I think…I should…slay the dreaded Lord Evilus!

LARTEN: (gasps) OH, FERNADO! You, wouldn't darling!

KURDA: (takes Larten's hands) Don't you want us to be together, darling?

LARTEN: More than anything…

KURDA: (gets on his knees) Though I am a poor farm boy with nothing to offer…I will venture to ask (melodramatic) Princess Faye…I am asking for your hand in marriage…will you…marry me? (Darren walks in)

DARREN: (in a Valley Girl voice) As if! Like…she like totally wouldn't marry…ah…you!

EVANNA: (in the distance) We're asking for an egotistical, snooty prince…not Bratz come to life…okay?

DARREN: (a deep manly voice) Step away from her, Fernando! Princess Faye…is _mine_… (mumbles) Mr. Crepsley…YECH!

KURDA: I will never give her up without a fight! (pulls out sword)

DARREN: (deeper voice…kind of Darth Vader-like.) You dare challenge me? (pulls out Light saber)

KURDA: (out of character) Oh come on! Cheater…

LARTEN: (like a cheerleader) GO GO FERNANDO! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

DARREN: I'M TOO SEXY FOR A SWORD…SEXINESS LIKE MINE…CAUSES FOR LIGHT SABERS! FEAR MY SEXY…(Harkat the horse comes up and kicks Darren out of the barn with his non-broken leg)

HARKAT: Nay!

KURDA: Ahh…you truly are a trusty steed…but, Faye…I must be off (mounts Harkat)

HARKAT: GET THE HELL OFF OF ME, FAT LARD!

EVANNA: Grrr…

HARKAT: (starts sweating) I mean…NAY!

LARTEN: But, Fernando…you can't go without me…please…take me with you…

KURDA: It is far too dangerous, my love…well (kicks Harkat to move) Wish me luck! (rides off)

LARTEN: (screaming and crying) FER…NAN…DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Scene changes to Lord Evilus's dark castle)

DESMUND: (as Lord Evilus) MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Steve enters with a tray)

STEVE: (as Joshua Grim…in a dusty butler uniform) Here, my lord. (mumbles) I'm too sexy for this job.

DESMUND: Thank you, Joshua (takes a sip of wine and pets the white, fluffy kitty in his lap) My evil plan is working…Fernando is on his way…to defeat me!

STEVE: Ummmm….isn't that…bad?

DESMUND: Not if I want to make him squirm…HEEHEE!

STEVE: I suggest you attacking people higher on the social status bar…like the king…the princess…it causes more uproar and they have more money…

DESMUND: Silly boy…a farm boy is a great way to start…when he's in love…with Princess Faye!

STEVE: What? You think the king is going to pay off a ransom for a farm boy? The sooner the boy is gone…the happier the king will be…the princess would…but she has no money…the father keeps it.

DESMUND: You are one lousy, prick!

STEVE: That's my job, my lord…wait…are you…tearing up?! ARE YOU…………….CRYING?

DESMUND: (wipes eyes) NO! Just got a bug in my eye…lousy bugs…

STEVE: Liar, liar…skirt on fire…

DESMUND: IT'S A KILT NOT A SKIRT!

STEVE: Girly man…girly man!

DESMUND: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

KURDA: NOT IF I DO IT FIRST! (pulls out Darren's Light saber)

STEVE: A LIGHT SABER?!

DESMUND: Come now, that's cheating…well…no matter…you…Mr. Fernando…are quite a welcome guest…you have fallen directly in my trap…

KURDA: What…trap?

DESMUND: Let me explain…(Kurda stabs him with the Light Saber) You'll…pay…boy…("dies")

STEVE: Thank you…for releasing me from my bonds…I am free…(Steve transforms into a beautiful princess)

ALL: WHAT THE HELL?!

STEVE: I am forever in your debt, handsome nobleman.

KURDA: Actually…I'm just a farm boy…

STEVE: (mumbles) Well…it's just a play (regular tone…very breathy and girly) But…I have fallen in love with you…

KURDA: Lady…I have another woman…

STEVE: SO! (starts making out with Kurda and the scene changes to Larten "Princess Faye" by herself)

LARTEN: Oh how I miss my precious Fernando…You know what? I feel like singing the song "Fernando" by ABBA! (takes a deep breath and starts to sing)   
If I had to do the same again  
I would, my friend, Fernando  
Yes, if I had to do the same again  
I would, my friend, Fernando... (a roar of applause is heard) OOOO! (speaking normally) Thank you…all! (Darren walks in)

DARREN: Princess Faye…how I love thee!

LARTEN: I'm in love with…FERNANDO!

DARREN: Fernando is with another woman…

LARTEN: What? (starts to cry) NOOO! (Darren holds onto Larten as he cries)

DARREN: There, there, my love.

LARTEN: (sniffs) You, know…you've always been there for me, Prince Cedric…so…yes…I will take your hand in marriage! (Darren and Larten stage kiss)

ALL CAST: YAY! THE END!

MURLOUGH: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND…CUT!

(In judging room…with the boys…the scene with the judges alone was cut out due to content…(cough) Paris…(cough)

EVANNA (standing solemnly in front of the 7 men) Seven dudes stand before me…but I only have five pictures in my hand…two…not one of you, tonight…will find out they'll never be Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model. Our Judges are, Miss. Arra Sails…

ARRA: I'm not talking to you, Larten…

EVANNA: Mr. Paris Skyle…who has to remain silent for three days as punishment for some VERY offensive comments today earlier in the judging room…not to mention behavior.

PARIS: …

EVANNA: And your friendly photographer…and video director…which the video sucked today…Mr. Murlough!

MURLOUGH: Hello my budding actors!

EVANNA: I will hold up a photo and call a name…whoever's name I do not call…must pack their bags…and go home. The first name I will call is…………………….Larten!

LARTEN: Me?

EVANNA: Yes, you…you…have a beautiful singing voice, by the way…and…the way you played Princess Faye…blew all of us away…and…great IMPROVISATION…at the end…congratulations…you're one step closer towards becoming Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model. The next name I will call is none other than our leading man……………KURDA! Kurda…you were wonderful! You played along…hardly ever got out of character…and…no one else was very good so… congratulations…you're one step closer towards becoming Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model. The next name I will call is……………………..Darren…………nice save at the end (glares in Steve's direction) The next name I will call is…….Steve…..Steve………that was some lame crap you pulled…

STEVE: I didn't mean to turn into a pretty, pretty princess! I promise…

EVANNA: SHUT IT! Steve, congratulations…you're one step closer towards becoming Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model…get the hell out of my sight. (Steve makes a run for it) Will the three remaining "men" please step forward? (Harkat, Evra, and Desmund step forward) Three of you stand before me…but I only have one photo in my hand. Harkat…you are here…well…you know why…for not cooperating! Evra…you are here because, frankly honey…you can't act. And Desmund…the judges believed you weren't able to show your evil side…

DESMUND: WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY MIDDLE NAME IS EVIL!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU LOOK THE WORD "EVIL" UP IN THE DICTIONARY…THERE WILL BE A PICTURE OF ME IN IT…I AM EVIL…EVILER THAN YOU WILL EVER BE!!!!!!!

EVANNA: Turns over picture revealing a photo of Harkat….sorry, Des……YOU'RE ELIMINATED

DESMUND: HOW DARE YOU? How…how…waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah (starts crying)

EVRA: So…I'm eliminated too?

EVANNA: Fraid so, baby

EVRA: ALRIGHT! NO MORE GAY VAMPIRES…VAMPANEZE…AND LITTLE PEOPLE! I'M OUTTA HERE! (takes off before we can interview him)

(Private interview with Desmund…really…I know it's spelled "Desmond" but really…I haven't bothered to edit it…until now)

DESM_**O**_ND: Finally…my name's spelled right…THE NIGHT I GET ELIMINATED…FOR NOT BEING…EVIL ENOUGH? (starts crying suddenly) I guess…I was never meant to be…Darren Shan Saga's Next…Top…Model.

_A.N. COMING UP! THE BOYS ARE GOING ON A TRIP! ENOUGH SAID!_


	10. Chapter 10

SOME RANDOM VOICE: Previously on Darren Shan Saga's Next Top Model…An unexpected couple arises (shows Larten and Kurda kissing) and so does…some "Grease" (shows the people singing "Sprite Room Lovin'") A play is even put on…instead of a photo shoot…while some where quite experienced actors (shows Larten as "Princess Faye" singing "Fernando") some…really sucked (shows Evra struggling through his lines) But…despite the fun…two men were sent home…Evra, for being shaky on his lines and being a bad actor. And Desmond, for not being evil enough. So Evra and Desmond sixth and seventh of the original thirteen…to be sent…………………….._home_.

EVANNA: Five gay-wads…I mean guys remain…Who …will be eliminated tonight?

(Theme song…if you must see it again…go to Chapter one, "Theme Song")

(In the house Living Room)

HARKAT: TYRA…oh …………………….EVANNA-MAIL! (no one answers) EVANNA-MAIL!! EVANNA-MAIL!!! Where is everyone? (Darren walks in wearing his teddy bear nighties)

DARREN: Har…har…(yawns) Harkat…it's three o' clock in the morning…go back to bed…and that's not Evanna-mail…that's a restraining order…I'm filing against Antanique013.

HARKAT: Oh…sorry…

(Next morning)

HARKAT: EVANNA-MAIL!

ALL: YAY!

KURDA: What does it say?

HARKAT: Hmm…five of you remain…the tall, stern Larten Crepsley… Harkat Mulds, the little, sexy cutie that packs a punch…Kurda Smahlt, the blonde prince charming…Darren Shan, the hooker with a heart of gold (Mommy's line)…

DARREN: WHAT?!

HARKAT: That's what it says, Darren. And Steve Leonard/Leopard, the kickass, bad boy that blows your mind.

STEVE: OH YEAH!

HARKAT: (groans but finishes reading) Today…you _pussies_ will be rewarded with a surprise trip to a foreign country…and all of you will stay there (if you're not eliminated) until the final two…oh, and by the way…I'm now only eliminating one person a night…so don't sweat it…too much. Love, Evanna.

KURDA: Does it mention where we're going?

HARKAT: Nope…that's it?

LARTEN: Don't we have to get vaccinations or…

HARKAT: LOOK…I'M JUST THE ONE READING THE LETTER, OKAAY?

LARTEN: Yes…mam'…sir…person…(Evanna poofs in)

ALL: EVANNA!

EVANNA: Hey boys! I've got the plane tickets ready and everything…well…what are you all waiting for? Let's get this moving…oh…and in the hotel we're staying in…you all are sharing rooms…I'm going to be staying in my private suite…but the Judges need a place to sleep…so…they'll have to share rooms with you…four to a room…

STEVE: Oh, come on!

EVANNA: Okay…in room 308…we have…Darren, Arra, Kurda, and Larten…

KURDA&LARTEN: (give each other high-fives) OH YEAH!

EVANNA: And in room 309…we have…Murlough, Paris, Steve, and Harkat.

STEVE: Not Murlough…please not Murlough…he gets up early…and…and…he's…_happy_…blech!

EVANNA: Steve…do I have to get…Michael…in here?

STEVE: (squeals) No…Evanna…I'm great…oh…please…no…I'M GREAT! (slaps on crooked smile)

EVANNA: Good…let's head for the airport!

(Right in front of plane before boarding)

EVANNA: (hands everyone their boarding passes and passports) Okay…I'll be in first class if you need me…

ARRA: Wait…aren't we in first class too?

EVANNA: HA! Are you joking? Head to Coach Class…

PARIS: Come now, that's no fair…

EVANNA: SILENCE, PARIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PARIS: …

MURLOUGH: Cheer up, guys! This'll be an ADVENTURE! (All groan as they board the plane)

DARREN: (still walking towards seat) Well…looks like at least we'll be sitting together…hmmm….A14…A14…There! (sits down) And a window seat! Oh boy!

HARKAT: B14…B14…AH! There it is! An aisle seat…right next to Darren!

ARRA: A17…A17…A17…God, where is it? A17…excuse me, sir…A17…there you are! (sits down) How I love a window seat!

KURDA: B17…B17…okay…aisle seat…very nice. (sits down and looks to the person next to him) YIKES! EEP!

ARRA: Please tell me you have the wrong seat…tell me…14 hours…no TV…next to Smahlt!

KURDA: Please don't kill me…

STEVE: (looks at ticket) ACK! Back of the plane! Next to the toilet…great! (walks back) B24…B24…Okay…OH HELL NO…

MURLOUGH: Hi Steve! Oh boy! I have the window seat! If you want it…you can have it…you know…if you like to look out…but if you want the aisle seat…that's fine too! YAY! 14 hours on a plane…you and I together! We can talk…play with my Barbies…I'm willing to share…play "Go Fish"…draw in my Winnie the Pooh coloring book…I love Winnie the Pooh! I really like Piglet…he's so…

STEVE: GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Evanna comes in to visit Coach Class)

DARREN: Oye! Evanna! Exactly where is it that we are going?

EVANNA: Can't tell you that, Darren…I even told the pilot not to tell…(cackles) That's why you all in coach class have no TV's…so you won't smash them apart and make GPS's…HEEHEE!

ARRA: But…how…wait (light bulb appears over her head) Kurda…

KURDA: Please…I swear…I'm scared…MUMMY!

ARRA: No, no baby…I know…since we have nothing to do…what is your favorite hobby? (eyes gleam)

KURDA: Well…recently, making out with Lar…

ARRA: NOT THAT, IMBECILE! (sweetie-sweet voice returns) Your _other_ favorite hobby.

KURDA: Oh! I love mapmaking of course…

ARRA: (unintentional Mr. Burns impression) Excellent……..well…Kurdy-Wurdy sugar face…will you make us a map of where we're going?

KURDA: Of course! That sounds great! Thanks, Arra!

ARRA: No, problem…

(13 hours later… one hour left on the plane…Murlough is snoring on Steve's lap…)

STEVE: DAMN THIS INFERNAL WORLD!

MURLOUGH: mmmm…cantaloupe…(starts sucking thumb) No…I don't wanna eat my vegetables! (camera focuses on Kurda working vigorously)

ARRA: Kurda? (puts down her copy of "Men's Health") How's it going?

KURDA: Well…we're coming past the small island which appears to be Trindade…a part of Brazil…and at the rate we're going…we should be landing…by the Tropic of Capricorn…in one hour…twenty degrees south, fifteen degrees west…

ARRA: Huh? Oh…never mind…where is that?

KURDA: Let's see…

ARRA: (mutters) Dork…

KURDA: Wait…this can't be possible…in the middle of the South Atlantic Ocean…below the equator…of the coast of Africa…

ARRA: So…Evanna's dropping us in the middle of the ocean?

KURDA: (looks out window) Wait…look here! (Arra shoves Kurda out of the way and looks out the tiny window)

ARRA: I…see…a…………….speck…

KURDA: Not just any _speck_, Arra…that looks like…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….an uncharted………………………………….ISLAND!

_A.N. OOOOOOOOOOOOO! Tune in next time!_


	11. Chapter 11

EVANNA: (visiting coach class) Hello! We will be arriving at…what the natives call… Gwadarchi Island!

ARRA: What are you playing at, anyway, Evanna? I…ahem…Kurda…and I…just found out you are sending us to an uncharted island!

ALL: -GASP-

STEVE: I'm too sexy to be uncharted!

LARTEN: What? That does not…

DARREN: Say "doesn't" old man…Seba's not here to pull out any hairs.

LARTEN: Okay…I'll try…doesen…not…no…does….ent…(screws up face) Does…not…ent…ACK!

DARREN: (whispers to Harkat) I love to do that!

LARTEN: SCREW YOU, DARREN!

PARIS: …

ELVIS PRESLEY ON THE INTERCOM: Gooooooooooood Evenin' everbody…thank ya'…thank ya' very much!

KURDA: Elvis was our…captain????????????????????

ELVIS (still on intercom…but you know): Yes, baby, I'm the captain…and the captain of your dreams (flight attendant whispers to him, "he's a guy") Goodness gracious! I ain't gonna deal with…that…that's a little screwy for my taste…(realizes he needs to get back to business) Okay, fans…thank ya'…thank ya' very much for flying "The King's Airline" p…p…pleeease…come back another time…just lettin' yall know that this…is an uncharted island…without…an airport…so anyone plannin' to go to Gwardarchi…must uuuuuuuuuuuun…fasten their seatbelts…aaaaaaaaaaaaand…please…get…a…parachute!

LARTEN: A PARACHUTE!?

EVANNA: (puts on her parachute) I get a first class parachute… built-in TV…cup holder…and a seat cushion! Let's go boys! (all put on parachutes and jump off)

(All are freefalling through the air…except Evanna…who is watching "The Nanny" on the built-in T.V)

ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

MURLOUGH: EEEEEEEEEP! (grabs onto Steve)

STEVE: OH NO YOU DON'T!

ARRA: WE'RE LANDING! PULL YOUR STRINGS! (mutters) Please let Kurda's be broken (all parachutes come out successfully) DAMN!

LARTEN: I'M SCARED!

KURDA&ARRA: I'LL HOLD YOU, BABY!

KURDA: OH NO YOU DIDN'T!

ARRA: OH YES I DID! (Cat…wait…Kurda's a…NAH! Catfight)

HARKAT: WE'RE LANDING! (all land on a sandy beach, except for Paris who lands in a palm tree)

EVANNA: Kiss him, Fran! (all look at her) Oh, sorry (switches off T.V) Well, that was a nice trip (mumbles are heard from the rest) What did you say? (holds up a fingernail)

ALL BUT PARIS: NOTHING!

EVANNA: One…two…three…four (counting heads) Well…looks like we're all accounted for!

PARIS: …

EVANNA: Hmmm…where's Paris…must be at the hotel

PARIS: _**…**_

EVANNA: Well, boys…your next challenge is…to go on……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..GO-SEES!

ALL 5 BOYS: On what's?

EVANNA: (hands out papers) Now…on these sheets are different modeling agencies on this island…

LARTEN: There are a lot here…

EVANNA: Yes…that's why it's uncharted, baby…Back to business! You must find your way there…impress the natives there…and be back by 5 o' clock…well…it's a nice sunny day at the beach, so…

KURDA: Sunny? (looks at sun) O…M…F…G!

MURLOUGH: That might be an teensy-weensy little problem…

EVANNA: FORGET IT! THIS STORY DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE! JUST MOVE IT!

PARIS: _**…**_

(Larten's perspective)

LARTEN: Ugga-Choo modeling agency…god…where is it? (taps a native on the shoulder) Umm…excuse me, sir?

NATIVE: UGGA-WUGGA!

LARTEN: (blushes) Oh…very sorry, Miss…I was not looking (Native slaps him) Ugga-forget you! (looks up) Ah! Here it is, anyways! (rings doorbell…another slightly more fluent Native answers)

MORE FLUENT NATIVE: My Ugga poo dugga name…ugga…is…Ugga-Feeca…you…Luggaten?

LARTEN: Nice to meet you, Ugga-Feeca…it is Larten, actually. Larten Crepsley.

UGGA-FEECA: Luggaten…ugga live with it. Ugga pose for ugga me. (Larten poses) Try…ugga…swimsuit…red mugga…is your cugga…

LARTEN: Pardon?

UGGA-FEECA: PUT IT UGGA ON!

LARTEN: Yes, s-…m-…person.

(Harkat's perspective)

HARKAT: (waves to a girl Native) I'll…ugga, catch ya later, baby!

GIRL NATIVE: UGGA SUGGA…SEXY!

HARKAT: I'm on fire…now…I should probably be going to a go-see…crap! It's 4:55! Oh, well…I'll pretend I went on one.

(Kurda's perspective)

KURDA: (wandering aimlessly) Okay…this is ironic…I'm a cartographer…and I'm lost! How does that happen.

RANDOM NATIVE: Ugga…dumb-shit.

KURDA: Ahh! Here's the Uggatorium (A…(guess) Native comes out) Hello…(looks closely) mam'! I'm Kurda Smahlt. Nice to meet you.

UGGA-TITIA: Me Ugga-Titia…is your ugga hair, nugga?

KURDA: Pardon?

UGGA-TITIA: Ugga…sorry…nugga…natural!

KURDA: Very much, so! Someone did dye it black…but they died it back.

UGGA-TITIA: Ugga…dumb shit…ugga

KURDA: Excuse me?

UGGA-TITIA: Ugga…nothing…try on…ugga…pugga…pink…outfit!

KURDA: (holds outfit up) Looks like the outfit from Legally Blonde 2…

UGGA-TITIA: Ugga you…and ugga…Reese…wugga…Witherspoon…lugga…look…ugga…alike.

KURDA: Umm…thank you…(?)

(Darren's perspective)

DARREN: (in the Tugga-Wugga agency) Ugga frugga ugga mugga? (Do you like these pants on me?)

UGGA-HUGGA (head fashion designer): Nugga tugga thrugga frugga bugg. (They fit your leg type nicely.)

DARREN: Ugga kugga yugga ugga fatugga butugga hugg? (Do they make my butt look big? Tell the truth)

UGGA-HUGGA: Ugg…………grubba-dugga scrugga nugga ugga wugga….bugga yugga…thugga dugga ugga lugga…trugga thugga ugga! (Well………….they give you a curvaceous form…but yeah…they do, a little. Try these on!) (holds out some pinstripe pants)

DARREN: Thugga yugga ugg! (Thank you!)

(Steve's perspective)

STEVE: Well, losers…you like these shoes? (the two designer natives, Ugga-Drugga and Ugga-Whoohah look at each other)

UGGA-DRUGGA (to Ugga-Whoohah) Ugga fugga hyugga jugga frugg. (His disposition is like that of a wounded goat.)

UGGA-WHOOHAH: Krugga bwugga thrugga vugga crugga. (And he smells like an old cabbage.)

UGGA-DRUGGA: They…ugga…look…ugga…okay.

STEVE: Okay? OKAY?! ANYTHING ON ME LOOKS SEXY! DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT I LOOK LIKE, STUPID NATIVE!

UGGA-WHOOHAH: Yugga fruggs scrugga nugga drugg? (What the hell did he say?)

UGGA-DRUGGA: Jugga kugga krugga vyrugga kugga nugga? (Beats me…something about pesto sauce?)

STEVE: Now…this top…don't you think the purple looks good with my eyes…come on now! I know this must be better looking than that bone in your nose, Ugga-Whoohah.

UGGA-WHOOHAH: Sugga zugga mugga trugga ugga, Ugga-Drugga? Lugga frugga thugga krugga. (Is he hitting on me, Ugga-Drugga? If he is, please tell him I'm taken.)

_A.N. Short…I know…the island series will take longer to write…eliminations may be next chapter…they may not…but please be patient and see it as an opportunity to __**savor**__ this story…okay? Enjoy your feeble lives! _


End file.
